This is powerful, vulnerable, honest stuff. Thank you. " Once I forgave myself, and once I was able to accept that things are beyond my control, I was able to understand that my daughter’s trans identity was not a direct result of anything I did. It just was. And forgiving myself helped me see that I had been operating within the illusion that I was in total control of my life and my choices. I am not. I am in control of some things, but not every thing."
All of this resonates deeply. I work with StoicMom as well, and have benefited greatly from her gifted and powerful support. I don't affirm or deny my daughter's identity - though in working hard to maintain my connection I honor her new name (of 4 years now) and pronouns. She knows that I support her independence, and am also there to support her concretely when she needs/wants this. *I know she is doing her best.* I love her unconditionally. I do my own best to live my life to its fullest, riding the waves as they swell and diminish and realize I am modeling for her as I do. My struggles, however, have refreshed in a new way now that my child is actually getting injected with testosterone and the changes are happening -physical and attitudinal - front of my eyes. I see the value in having faith in "what is beyond us", and at the same time when what is actually in front of me is my beautiful, struggling, emotionally beleaguered child, the dance of what I can do and let go of becomes much, much more intricate and complicated than it seemed before.
Your beautiful words make so much sense. I am trying to imagine my path's trajectory as a spiral - though it seems like I have been in this place of dark struggle before I am now on a different level. Keeping close to my heart that despite the changes in look and attitude, despite the risks to her physical, mental, sexual and reproductive health that the core of her is lovely and lovable and I will be there for her - in whatever form - no matter what. AND there continue to be those "in the moment"s that feel like a punch in the gut knowing that this is happening.
I appreciate that this gives me some great links to check out. I’m wondering what you would suggest in my situation. My daughter is not estranged but she is (whether purposeful or not) an “outta site, outta mind” person. If I don’t reach out via text or phone call, there is almost zero contact. She will generally respond when I contact her but often initially with irritation (which seems worse since she started T.) She lives about an hour away and did join us for family Christmas activities but we haven’t seen her since though we’ve invited her and she works 10 mins from our home. Before she went on T it seemed she still put effort into connecting. Now, she communicates that everything in life is too hard and a huge inconvenience. It feels like “passive” estrangement. Maybe a new set of eyes on the situation and some creative outside perspective could be helpful for us?
This is powerful, vulnerable, honest stuff. Thank you. " Once I forgave myself, and once I was able to accept that things are beyond my control, I was able to understand that my daughter’s trans identity was not a direct result of anything I did. It just was. And forgiving myself helped me see that I had been operating within the illusion that I was in total control of my life and my choices. I am not. I am in control of some things, but not every thing."
WOW.
All of this resonates deeply. I work with StoicMom as well, and have benefited greatly from her gifted and powerful support. I don't affirm or deny my daughter's identity - though in working hard to maintain my connection I honor her new name (of 4 years now) and pronouns. She knows that I support her independence, and am also there to support her concretely when she needs/wants this. *I know she is doing her best.* I love her unconditionally. I do my own best to live my life to its fullest, riding the waves as they swell and diminish and realize I am modeling for her as I do. My struggles, however, have refreshed in a new way now that my child is actually getting injected with testosterone and the changes are happening -physical and attitudinal - front of my eyes. I see the value in having faith in "what is beyond us", and at the same time when what is actually in front of me is my beautiful, struggling, emotionally beleaguered child, the dance of what I can do and let go of becomes much, much more intricate and complicated than it seemed before.
Your beautiful words make so much sense. I am trying to imagine my path's trajectory as a spiral - though it seems like I have been in this place of dark struggle before I am now on a different level. Keeping close to my heart that despite the changes in look and attitude, despite the risks to her physical, mental, sexual and reproductive health that the core of her is lovely and lovable and I will be there for her - in whatever form - no matter what. AND there continue to be those "in the moment"s that feel like a punch in the gut knowing that this is happening.
Thank you for this. Beautifully written. I am
on the same path - and your piece both eases the loneliness and gives me hope.
I appreciate that this gives me some great links to check out. I’m wondering what you would suggest in my situation. My daughter is not estranged but she is (whether purposeful or not) an “outta site, outta mind” person. If I don’t reach out via text or phone call, there is almost zero contact. She will generally respond when I contact her but often initially with irritation (which seems worse since she started T.) She lives about an hour away and did join us for family Christmas activities but we haven’t seen her since though we’ve invited her and she works 10 mins from our home. Before she went on T it seemed she still put effort into connecting. Now, she communicates that everything in life is too hard and a huge inconvenience. It feels like “passive” estrangement. Maybe a new set of eyes on the situation and some creative outside perspective could be helpful for us?
This is so deeply moving. Thank you sharing your soul’s journey with us.
Beautiful. Thank you 🙏