My 17 year old daughter has been stagnating in the gender fallacy for more than three years. This piece gives me an actionable example of how to navigate situations that I feel will be with me for some time. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.
Thank you for this piece. I face the same one for thanksgiving. My child has a mood disorder so I don’t expect and softening from her but I will do my best to soften myself .
I agree that the cognitive dissonance is breathtaking. I think that if we are authentic, then we leave some space for them, one day, to address whatever sliver of doubt that they harbor (consciously or consciously). Their dissonance, I believe, will resolve eventually, and I'd like to be there when it does.
I love what you were communicating here: the gender stuff is important, but it’s not THAT important; I have to be true to my beliefs as well, even when they’re different than yours; and we can love each other, even when we disagree. I’m so happy that this worked out well for you, and I thank you for being a role model for the kind of interactions I want to be having with my child.
Crying as I read this because I wish my mother had treated it this way. If I ever have a daughter with this delusion I hope to have as much grace. My mother simply co-signed everything and encouraged my transition and delusion. It wasn’t kind. It was easier however.
I so appreciate your wisdom here. It was very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that this was going to be a long-haul process. Friends always ask, “How’s Anna doing?” I desperately want to say, “Great! She’s sane again! She left the cult!” Of course, that’s not the case . . . yet. Once I accepted this was a long-term project, it opened up space for the kind of conversations you describe. You are such an encouragement. You remind me to keep a clear head so I can love well and remember the end game - even if that’s a long way down the road. Thank you.
Thanks for this! Pronouns are my line in the sand too - I use her new name but gave birth to her and cannot lie to myself or anyone else about who she truly is. This story was beautiful and hopeful and I truly appreciate you sharing it❤️
I have the same thing with my transgender son and the use of pronouns. I can’t see him as the female he wants me to see him as. I can’t give up my beliefs to please him even though I believe he truly wants me too. It’s so heartbreaking! I love how you handled the situation. ♥️
I wonder if the insistence stems from the deepest parts of their soul having doubts? Feeling war-torn in your own body has to be exhausting. Once my daughter, Anna, decided she was “a boy trapped in a girl’s body” she said she felt relief. There was an explanation that made sense of her feeling “different” her whole life. She began to pursue transitioning instead of true mental health. In my opinion that derailed the hard work of dealing with depression, dysphoria, anger, and hurt from her past, and gave her a new path that seemed to offer euphoria, bliss, and the ability to leave all that messy stuff behind . . . In a word, DENIAL. When others don’t go along with the cultic mindset/demands, I’d guess it sends people like Anna, at least momentarily, back into the throes of the battle she desperately doesn’t want to fight. I believe they insist because they don’t want to doubt, they don’t want to wrestle. It seems preferable to them to make the world around them change, and to make their bodies change, than to wrangle that dissonance into submission of the truth.
I think it would mean a lot to him if you used his pronouns-and it could lead to you two getting much closer as adults. If you want to continue inflicting pain onto your child that’s.. obviously your choice. I am glad you still care about him but I can see his struggle here. He may eventually not keep you in his life due to this, and love may not be strong enough.
What about when he gets a girlfriend? Will you misgender her too if she’s trans? What about when he’s a father? Will you be able to weather the injustice the kid feels towards your misgendering of their dad?
You aren’t looking very far into the future.. I think you can respect the past *her* and the present *him* at the same time. My trans bestie I grew up with and I talk about HIM as a child and HER since she transitioned! It’s all love.
I’m genuinely curious— How would your daughter respond/feel if she were told “You understand that even if people use ‘your preferred pronouns’, it doesn’t mean that they actually believe you’re the opposite sex or another ‘gender’?”
The compelled speech of others is really a mandate for compelled and expressed belief— otherwise, it’s meaningless.
And if young people were told this more often— just because someone is “being kind”, that isn’t necessarily a reflection of their belief in “gender” or “trans”.
This is why it’s essential that we move towards a model of respecting people who do not wish to affirm any individual or idea that:
I appreciate the question. She would agree that using pronouns does not change her sex, but that her gender is separate, and the pronouns would be respectful of her gender as a trans person. She does not like the idea of compelling speech. She does not want to force anyone to do anything. This conflict is part of our impasse.
I am curious that in your post you say to your daughter "...I know your trans...". Do you believe her to be one of those previously rare individuals rather than the latest crop that appear to be a cultural product of our time? I really struggle with my own 19 yr old trans identifying daughter who just yesterday having a heart to heart with me and wanting me to "trust me" and "believe me". (My thoughts went to your post and I tried to channel you re softening, courage, love etc, authenticity for both parties). When I asked what that would look like, it was use their new name (we have for 3 years) and use he/him pronouns (we initially did but now try not to use any or use more tolerable - for us - they/them pronoun). When I didn't say yes I would use he/him or yes I know you are trans, my daughter said she felt she had wasted her emotional energy. I begged to differ, that we had moved forward because we were now actually talking about the elephant in the room - with courage and love - rather than tip toeing around the elephant. I admitted to her I couldn't be a 100% sure she wasn't trans because I couldn't see inside her brain. She challenged me to come up with an alternative to being trans that explains how she feels incl depression, hating her breasts, how she feels much more herself and able to engage socially when in 'affirming' environment and how it's only then that she has her 'spark'.
My daughter is a product of our time -- she is an unusual, creative person, coping with her challenges in the way that makes use of what is available to her, including the trans identity. (That is also my view of what trans is, which may or may not align with your view.) And I relate to what you describe with your daughter. She sounds thoughtful and curious in that she asked you to "come up with an alternative to being trans" to explain her experience. That means she might be open to thinking about her identity in a new light. There are psychosocial answers to that question that might give her alternative ways of approaching her experience of the world.
My 17 year old daughter has been stagnating in the gender fallacy for more than three years. This piece gives me an actionable example of how to navigate situations that I feel will be with me for some time. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.
Thank you for this piece. I face the same one for thanksgiving. My child has a mood disorder so I don’t expect and softening from her but I will do my best to soften myself .
Again, thank you so much for sharing your experience. My daughter is similarly entrenched. The cognitive dissonance is, frankly, breathtaking.
The way you explain your situation and your mindset makes me feel like I can also walk this path.
I agree that the cognitive dissonance is breathtaking. I think that if we are authentic, then we leave some space for them, one day, to address whatever sliver of doubt that they harbor (consciously or consciously). Their dissonance, I believe, will resolve eventually, and I'd like to be there when it does.
I love what you were communicating here: the gender stuff is important, but it’s not THAT important; I have to be true to my beliefs as well, even when they’re different than yours; and we can love each other, even when we disagree. I’m so happy that this worked out well for you, and I thank you for being a role model for the kind of interactions I want to be having with my child.
This is beautiful and an amazing example of mothering. ♥️
Crying as I read this because I wish my mother had treated it this way. If I ever have a daughter with this delusion I hope to have as much grace. My mother simply co-signed everything and encouraged my transition and delusion. It wasn’t kind. It was easier however.
I so appreciate your wisdom here. It was very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that this was going to be a long-haul process. Friends always ask, “How’s Anna doing?” I desperately want to say, “Great! She’s sane again! She left the cult!” Of course, that’s not the case . . . yet. Once I accepted this was a long-term project, it opened up space for the kind of conversations you describe. You are such an encouragement. You remind me to keep a clear head so I can love well and remember the end game - even if that’s a long way down the road. Thank you.
Thanks for this! Pronouns are my line in the sand too - I use her new name but gave birth to her and cannot lie to myself or anyone else about who she truly is. This story was beautiful and hopeful and I truly appreciate you sharing it❤️
I have the same thing with my transgender son and the use of pronouns. I can’t see him as the female he wants me to see him as. I can’t give up my beliefs to please him even though I believe he truly wants me too. It’s so heartbreaking! I love how you handled the situation. ♥️
Mazal tov. Thinking of you on Passover, wishing for your freedom.
Absolutely incredible. To respond with such wisdom, and unconditional love. Beautiful. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. ❤️🙏
Thank you. 🙏
Why do these teens and young adults insist that everyone join them in their fantasy beliefs?
I wonder if the insistence stems from the deepest parts of their soul having doubts? Feeling war-torn in your own body has to be exhausting. Once my daughter, Anna, decided she was “a boy trapped in a girl’s body” she said she felt relief. There was an explanation that made sense of her feeling “different” her whole life. She began to pursue transitioning instead of true mental health. In my opinion that derailed the hard work of dealing with depression, dysphoria, anger, and hurt from her past, and gave her a new path that seemed to offer euphoria, bliss, and the ability to leave all that messy stuff behind . . . In a word, DENIAL. When others don’t go along with the cultic mindset/demands, I’d guess it sends people like Anna, at least momentarily, back into the throes of the battle she desperately doesn’t want to fight. I believe they insist because they don’t want to doubt, they don’t want to wrestle. It seems preferable to them to make the world around them change, and to make their bodies change, than to wrangle that dissonance into submission of the truth.
I think most do not think they are fantasy beliefs. They think that they are creating or discovering something new for humanity.
Do you mean delusions of grandeur?
I think it would mean a lot to him if you used his pronouns-and it could lead to you two getting much closer as adults. If you want to continue inflicting pain onto your child that’s.. obviously your choice. I am glad you still care about him but I can see his struggle here. He may eventually not keep you in his life due to this, and love may not be strong enough.
What about when he gets a girlfriend? Will you misgender her too if she’s trans? What about when he’s a father? Will you be able to weather the injustice the kid feels towards your misgendering of their dad?
You aren’t looking very far into the future.. I think you can respect the past *her* and the present *him* at the same time. My trans bestie I grew up with and I talk about HIM as a child and HER since she transitioned! It’s all love.
I’m genuinely curious— How would your daughter respond/feel if she were told “You understand that even if people use ‘your preferred pronouns’, it doesn’t mean that they actually believe you’re the opposite sex or another ‘gender’?”
The compelled speech of others is really a mandate for compelled and expressed belief— otherwise, it’s meaningless.
And if young people were told this more often— just because someone is “being kind”, that isn’t necessarily a reflection of their belief in “gender” or “trans”.
This is why it’s essential that we move towards a model of respecting people who do not wish to affirm any individual or idea that:
1) Gender exists AND can be changed;
2) Humans can change sex.
I appreciate the question. She would agree that using pronouns does not change her sex, but that her gender is separate, and the pronouns would be respectful of her gender as a trans person. She does not like the idea of compelling speech. She does not want to force anyone to do anything. This conflict is part of our impasse.
I am curious that in your post you say to your daughter "...I know your trans...". Do you believe her to be one of those previously rare individuals rather than the latest crop that appear to be a cultural product of our time? I really struggle with my own 19 yr old trans identifying daughter who just yesterday having a heart to heart with me and wanting me to "trust me" and "believe me". (My thoughts went to your post and I tried to channel you re softening, courage, love etc, authenticity for both parties). When I asked what that would look like, it was use their new name (we have for 3 years) and use he/him pronouns (we initially did but now try not to use any or use more tolerable - for us - they/them pronoun). When I didn't say yes I would use he/him or yes I know you are trans, my daughter said she felt she had wasted her emotional energy. I begged to differ, that we had moved forward because we were now actually talking about the elephant in the room - with courage and love - rather than tip toeing around the elephant. I admitted to her I couldn't be a 100% sure she wasn't trans because I couldn't see inside her brain. She challenged me to come up with an alternative to being trans that explains how she feels incl depression, hating her breasts, how she feels much more herself and able to engage socially when in 'affirming' environment and how it's only then that she has her 'spark'.
My daughter is a product of our time -- she is an unusual, creative person, coping with her challenges in the way that makes use of what is available to her, including the trans identity. (That is also my view of what trans is, which may or may not align with your view.) And I relate to what you describe with your daughter. She sounds thoughtful and curious in that she asked you to "come up with an alternative to being trans" to explain her experience. That means she might be open to thinking about her identity in a new light. There are psychosocial answers to that question that might give her alternative ways of approaching her experience of the world.