Today’s is my daughter’s 21st birthday. She has invited her college friends over next weekend. She asked me to make a cake and I agreed.
When they sing happy birthday, they will use her male name. I will sing, but I refuse to use that name. I will call her by the nickname we’ve agreed on. It’s complicated.
I hate this but I’m hanging in, and hanging on as best i can, too.
Thank you for sharing. Reading your essays makes me feel less crazy and alone.
Like you, we’re hanging on and we’re relying fully on God to get us out of this gender identity madness. We also agreed to call her a nickname; we avoid her chosen pronouns. I call her endearments; we say ‘someone’ or ‘somebody’ when we she’s around otherwise, my husband and I say ‘daughter’, ‘her’ and her first name (which she hates, sadly) when she’s not around.
This has been our ‘new normal’ for years now and it’s painful. I constantly pray for desistance and a whole lot of patience on my part. May God bless us, parents and May He save our children.
Acceptance truly is the only way I have found to keep your sanity when going through this nightmare. I’m very excited to have my son coming home for Christmas week so that we can feast and be together. I will not refer to him by his new chosen girl name, and I will completely ignore the elephant in the room that he and his two sisters brought in.
I am grateful to God that they have finally come to a place where they accept that I am not going along with a lie and they are not cutting me out.
It honestly makes the time together extra sweet.
I truly believe in my heart that this too shall pass and eventually we will get rid of the elephant for good.
Your writings are so helpful and inspiring! I’m new to this and it really is the hardest thing I’ve had to go through. So many ups and downs!! I to, would like to continue to have a good relationship with my son, but cannot be untrue to my beliefs. That is the biggest struggle. I constantly feel like he is gong to stop communication like so many other trans kids do. I know I can’t stop it if he does and I truly pray for all the parents that are going through that. I have to surrender that worry daily! Any other suggestions for that area?
All of this. Thank you for the vital reminder. My trans identified 19 year old is back from college and I am so, so glad to see her, hug her, joke with her, debate with her - but not about trans issues. Currently that is not a subject we are touching. Our attachment is strong, and we are loving with each other. I do use her preferred name and pronouns, but the pronouns as sparingly as I can. I am working on strong connection and being the mother she needs me to be as she is navigating this increasingly difficult world. Am I terrified about the effects of the testosterone she is using? Yes. I am also doing my best to trust that she is doing her best. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but in the process I am learning just how deep my own love is, and what enormous comfort this provides.
Your words resonate strongly. In my family's case we are *all* living in a culture that allows my daughter to think she is trans, and definitely rewards her. She is brave. It's hard - the bravery is real - she truly believes that the majority of folks who voted for our next administration want her dead. I think of how terrifying this must be. Do you ever discuss her identity? If so, how do you navigate this?
Again - thank you for this particular piece. As you write, it is such a comfort to know that I/we are not alone.
Thank you for sharing your experience; I agree it is comforting to know we are not alone as parents. In response to your question -- we do discuss her identity, occasionally. These are some of the most difficult, truly gut wrenching conversations I've ever had in my life. I'm currently writing a new piece about one of these conversation that ended up with both extremely positive and negative consequences. Stay tuned, and thank you so much for reading and connecting.
I look forward to reading your next piece about the difficult conversations you have had. I suspect it will closely mirror my own experiences with my 21 year-old daughter who has identified as a trans guy for almost 8 years now, but thankfully, after seemingly infinite confrontations with us, not yet medicalized.
I realize I'm fortunate that my daughter and I have a connection. And I realize that, for some readers, especially those who are struggling with children who have cut ties, reading about my connection may be difficult or painful.
Yes, I do think about the fact that how I act publicly with my daughter -- which comes with lots of private anguish -- may make others feel that they are doing something wrong. Let me emphasize: they are not. We are all struggling to do our best in a broken world with a culture that celebrates mental distress if it comes wrapped in ideology. For me, the pain is sometimes unbearable, but I have found that being open to learning and growing from the pain can help.
I feel this in my soul. There are so many of us walking that line, trying to maintain connection while trying to not reinforce a lie. It is complicated and dare I say beautiful? That seems like the wrong word, but there is beauty in what so many parents have done to show true love to their children.
My son coldly dissociated from me, he justified his almost paranoid level of hostility by demonising me as an abusive mother (not bc of a trans identity but because I’d dared to gently voice concerns that for years he’d slept all day to be online thru the night to his “🏳️⚧️online glitter family” in the US). He had never been employed once ROGD had hit at 15yo. I love him and just wanted him to be well. I’ve been dead to him for years. I know he’s been victim of affirmation insanity. His catastrophic OCD from 15yo was deprioritised in order to affirm his trans identity. Many of these brilliant but vulnerable kids never stood a chance against this hideous toxic insane ideology.
He’s now 26yo. I have no way of contacting him. I don’t know if he’s alive or dead. It’s truly a nightmare. I’d advise parents to hold tight and do everything they can to keep a connection. Though I know from experience that once offspring decide to flick the switch to No Contact they’re cheerleaded on by the cult that just wants to isolate vulnerable people, & destroy any family bonds. It’s all about self-destruction, and destroying anything that helps tether someone to reality & self-awareness .
Whether estranged or in contact having a “trans” child is a horrendous path to tread.
Oh, Hayley - I am so sorry for all your pain. A true nightmare. I hope that you can find peace. So much of this situation is beyond our control ... as you indicate, we live in a culture that supports and rewards these kids for the identity and encourages estrangement with the assumption that parents are the enemy. My heart goes out to you.
Thanks for this. I am struggling with my 30-something recently transitioning daughter. I have agreed to use her new name and try to put on a brave front, but it all feels so wrong. I know there are some issues she just doesn't want to face and this is a deflection that is fully supported by her friends who all happen to be trans, gender-fluid, non-binary or something. I have to try and stay with her to pick up the pieces when this latest dramatic life change falls apart, as they have before. And worse, she has a child who now has to call her mother " Pops". That's a whole different nightmare.
I am here with you, Walk with Mom.
Today’s is my daughter’s 21st birthday. She has invited her college friends over next weekend. She asked me to make a cake and I agreed.
When they sing happy birthday, they will use her male name. I will sing, but I refuse to use that name. I will call her by the nickname we’ve agreed on. It’s complicated.
I hate this but I’m hanging in, and hanging on as best i can, too.
Thank you for sharing. Reading your essays makes me feel less crazy and alone.
That means a lot to me. Thank you. We are hanging in together.
Like you, we’re hanging on and we’re relying fully on God to get us out of this gender identity madness. We also agreed to call her a nickname; we avoid her chosen pronouns. I call her endearments; we say ‘someone’ or ‘somebody’ when we she’s around otherwise, my husband and I say ‘daughter’, ‘her’ and her first name (which she hates, sadly) when she’s not around.
This has been our ‘new normal’ for years now and it’s painful. I constantly pray for desistance and a whole lot of patience on my part. May God bless us, parents and May He save our children.
Yes. Thanks you!
Acceptance truly is the only way I have found to keep your sanity when going through this nightmare. I’m very excited to have my son coming home for Christmas week so that we can feast and be together. I will not refer to him by his new chosen girl name, and I will completely ignore the elephant in the room that he and his two sisters brought in.
I am grateful to God that they have finally come to a place where they accept that I am not going along with a lie and they are not cutting me out.
It honestly makes the time together extra sweet.
I truly believe in my heart that this too shall pass and eventually we will get rid of the elephant for good.
Your writings are so helpful and inspiring! I’m new to this and it really is the hardest thing I’ve had to go through. So many ups and downs!! I to, would like to continue to have a good relationship with my son, but cannot be untrue to my beliefs. That is the biggest struggle. I constantly feel like he is gong to stop communication like so many other trans kids do. I know I can’t stop it if he does and I truly pray for all the parents that are going through that. I have to surrender that worry daily! Any other suggestions for that area?
All of this. Thank you for the vital reminder. My trans identified 19 year old is back from college and I am so, so glad to see her, hug her, joke with her, debate with her - but not about trans issues. Currently that is not a subject we are touching. Our attachment is strong, and we are loving with each other. I do use her preferred name and pronouns, but the pronouns as sparingly as I can. I am working on strong connection and being the mother she needs me to be as she is navigating this increasingly difficult world. Am I terrified about the effects of the testosterone she is using? Yes. I am also doing my best to trust that she is doing her best. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but in the process I am learning just how deep my own love is, and what enormous comfort this provides.
Your words resonate strongly. In my family's case we are *all* living in a culture that allows my daughter to think she is trans, and definitely rewards her. She is brave. It's hard - the bravery is real - she truly believes that the majority of folks who voted for our next administration want her dead. I think of how terrifying this must be. Do you ever discuss her identity? If so, how do you navigate this?
Again - thank you for this particular piece. As you write, it is such a comfort to know that I/we are not alone.
Thank you for sharing your experience; I agree it is comforting to know we are not alone as parents. In response to your question -- we do discuss her identity, occasionally. These are some of the most difficult, truly gut wrenching conversations I've ever had in my life. I'm currently writing a new piece about one of these conversation that ended up with both extremely positive and negative consequences. Stay tuned, and thank you so much for reading and connecting.
I will definitely stay tuned. Connection, both with our beautiful children as well as other parents, is gold. Thank you.
I look forward to reading your next piece about the difficult conversations you have had. I suspect it will closely mirror my own experiences with my 21 year-old daughter who has identified as a trans guy for almost 8 years now, but thankfully, after seemingly infinite confrontations with us, not yet medicalized.
I am glad you have the connection.
My daughter cut ties while she was in college (in order to embrace a trans identity).
And nothing worked in getting her back.
Moral of the story--if you have a connection, hang on tightly to that connection.
You mention it appears to the public that you are an affirming mother. Are you worried about how this impacts others?
One thing my daughter has told others is that "all of the other parents go along with it."
I think of the collateral damage of going along with a trans identity has on society.
Yet, I applaud you and other parents who manage to walk the walk of connection.
I realize I'm fortunate that my daughter and I have a connection. And I realize that, for some readers, especially those who are struggling with children who have cut ties, reading about my connection may be difficult or painful.
Yes, I do think about the fact that how I act publicly with my daughter -- which comes with lots of private anguish -- may make others feel that they are doing something wrong. Let me emphasize: they are not. We are all struggling to do our best in a broken world with a culture that celebrates mental distress if it comes wrapped in ideology. For me, the pain is sometimes unbearable, but I have found that being open to learning and growing from the pain can help.
Walk With Mom, I am happy for all parents who manage to maintain a connection when their adult child takes on a trans identity.
I guess I wish I could walk around with a t-shirt that reads:
I love my daughter. I didn't cut ties. No, I am not an abusive parent.
And I wish that parents such as yourself could advertise:
I love my daughter. I am doing my best to maintain the connection. No, I don't believe she is actually transgender.
I feel this in my soul. There are so many of us walking that line, trying to maintain connection while trying to not reinforce a lie. It is complicated and dare I say beautiful? That seems like the wrong word, but there is beauty in what so many parents have done to show true love to their children.
I’d like that t-shirt too.
My son coldly dissociated from me, he justified his almost paranoid level of hostility by demonising me as an abusive mother (not bc of a trans identity but because I’d dared to gently voice concerns that for years he’d slept all day to be online thru the night to his “🏳️⚧️online glitter family” in the US). He had never been employed once ROGD had hit at 15yo. I love him and just wanted him to be well. I’ve been dead to him for years. I know he’s been victim of affirmation insanity. His catastrophic OCD from 15yo was deprioritised in order to affirm his trans identity. Many of these brilliant but vulnerable kids never stood a chance against this hideous toxic insane ideology.
He’s now 26yo. I have no way of contacting him. I don’t know if he’s alive or dead. It’s truly a nightmare. I’d advise parents to hold tight and do everything they can to keep a connection. Though I know from experience that once offspring decide to flick the switch to No Contact they’re cheerleaded on by the cult that just wants to isolate vulnerable people, & destroy any family bonds. It’s all about self-destruction, and destroying anything that helps tether someone to reality & self-awareness .
Whether estranged or in contact having a “trans” child is a horrendous path to tread.
Oh, Hayley - I am so sorry for all your pain. A true nightmare. I hope that you can find peace. So much of this situation is beyond our control ... as you indicate, we live in a culture that supports and rewards these kids for the identity and encourages estrangement with the assumption that parents are the enemy. My heart goes out to you.
Thanks for this. I am struggling with my 30-something recently transitioning daughter. I have agreed to use her new name and try to put on a brave front, but it all feels so wrong. I know there are some issues she just doesn't want to face and this is a deflection that is fully supported by her friends who all happen to be trans, gender-fluid, non-binary or something. I have to try and stay with her to pick up the pieces when this latest dramatic life change falls apart, as they have before. And worse, she has a child who now has to call her mother " Pops". That's a whole different nightmare.